


Begin to Be (If I Could)

by Lilredwulfe



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Cryptophasia, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Idioglossia, M/M, Miscarriage, Post-Season/Series 07, Season/Series 07 Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Time Travel Fix-It
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-04-24 06:07:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14349516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilredwulfe/pseuds/Lilredwulfe
Summary: Sam has suffered after Dean's disappearance. After his death, Sam had to survive all alone and unfortunately it's tiring. What happens when Sam can't take it anymore and finds the answer in a different universe set about five years prior?





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ithuriel788](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithuriel788/gifts).



> This is for Ithuriel788, who has an extensive suicidal!sam archive which is basically where my heart lives. Thank you for keeping your compendium going, and I know you mentioned the last update is this May 2nd. I doubt I'll be finished by then, but I had this story floating around in my head since you gave the deadline. Thank you.

Sam Winchester's eyes snapped open to a starless night. A couple deep breaths and Sam quickly realized it wasn't night at all. It was a coffin. _Keep calm. Don't panic_. A slow breath and searching fingers found it was plywood, which was good. _You can do this, just gotta keep calm_. Another deep breath and Sam was able to maneuver and pull off a shirt. Tying it up and making a cloth bag for breathing, Sam went to work at pulling the pine boards apart. Dirt began to quickly trickle through the seams and Sam vaguely wondered if this is how Dean got out. Sam hoped so. Had Dean felt the same scared flutter in his chest? Had he felt the all-encompassing sensation of suffocation? _Deep breath there, Sam. You got this, just don’t panic_. Hitting the top of the coffin with fists, broke the lid and Sam sifted the dirt around. It took time, a lot of time but Sam was able to sit up and slowly crawl out through the dusty earth. Finally, with shaking fingers Sam broke through the dirt and grasped along the ground. _Air!_  
Sam rolled over and coughed through the bag before ripping it off. It was night. The stars were bright above, no trees in sight. Sam coughed some more, then rose to find a pine cross as a marker. After stumbling towards it, Sam read the scratched inscription, " _Sam Winchester. 1983-2007 Rest In Heaven._ "  
_Oh, shit_.  
Sam felt the earth rise up around her and she landed heavily on her ass. _2007_? She felt dizzy with confusion. She thought back to that year. What had happened since then? _An entire lifetime_. An entire eternity if you counted the Pit. She rested her hands on her knees and looked down at herself. She searched herself all over, taking stock of her person. Her jeans and undershirt were much larger than anything she owned. Hell, they were larger than what _Dean_ owned. She had lost her boots in the dirt, buried in her coffin. She folded the ends of her jeans, exposing her bare toes to the cold ground. She rolled up her sleeves and looked at them in amazement. There was minimal scarring, only the old broken circle on her forearm from when she was first possessed by Meg years ago. Suddenly, Sam felt naked and wrapped her arms around her waist. What fresh _Hell_ had she awaken to?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cryptophasia and Idioglossia ahead. I'd like to give a giant shout out to agoldenblackbird (mass_hipgnosis) for the wonderful "Broken English" series which inspired the secret language between Sam and Dean. None of the language is directly translatable, however I do have a little key for those so interested. If I keep up with this language (since I'd like to tie it into a series) I might compile something together later on.

A thundering shudder against the front door was all the warning that Bobby Singer got before it banged open. Bobby grabbed his shotgun and walked through the living area to the kitchen where he heard a young woman call out his name.  
“Bobby? Are you home?” The girl turned the corner and came face to face with the barrel of Bobby’s gun.  
“Who the hell are you?” She barely even looked at the gun before she rushed forward and gave him a barrel hug. “Bobby! Oh thank God. I need your help.”  
“I think you got the wrong house there, Miss.” She pulled back and looked into his startled blue eyes, “I don’t know you from Moses.”  
The auburn haired woman stepped back with an inquisitive smile, “Bobby, it’s me, Sam.” He raised an eyebrow in question, “I hate to ask, but Sam who?”  
“Sam Winchester”  
“Horse shit.”  
Bobby stepped back even further and pulled up the shotgun again, “The only game I play is poker, and you ain’t dealin’ a full house there, sister.”  
“Are you – Bobby, C’mon man. It’s me, Sam.” Her eyes searched his wildly, and her elation at seeing Bobby again, faded quickly when she realized that Bobby truly didn’t recognize her.  
“Look, I can prove it to you.”  
She rolled up her sleeve to produce the same mark Bobby had given to her years earlier. Bobby immediately recognized the circular mark from when he burned it into Sam Winchester’s forearm. It’d only been about nine months since that had happened, six months since his death.  
“Impossible. That’s simply impossible, girl.”  
She was imploring him, “Bobby, C’mon. You know it’s the truth. Look at me, I’m Sam. I just crawled out of my own grave!”  
She held out her dirt covered nails, caked with flakes of blood and grime. There was still some dirt on her face and her clothes were covered. As Bobby looked her over, he noticed sure enough it was Sam’s clothes, which served to infuriate him.  
“You grave-diggin’ where he lay and come in wearin’ _his_ clothes and you expect me to be all friendly-like? Lady you got a lot o’ nerve, an’ I have half a mind to shoot you. Get the _Hell_ outta here.”  
“Bobby!” She didn’t understand. Why didn’t he recognize her?  
They were interrupted by a low groaning noise originating from the stairwell. Sam looked over and her breath punched out of her.  
_Dean._  
She pushed past Bobby and wrapped her arms around her brother’s waist. “Dean! Oh God. I-I” Her words caught in her throat as she tried desperately to re-order her thoughts, but all she could think was _Dean. He’s alive._ She began sobbing into his shirt, squeezing him with all of her might.  
“Dean, Dean, Dean.” For his part, Dean had absolutely _no idea_ who the hell this girl was and why the hell she was wrapped up around him.  
“What the hell is this Bobby?”  
Bobby looked on in irritated confusion. “You got me, Boy. She come in here, wild-like, telling me she’s your _brother_. Gotta couple screws loose, if you ask me.”  
Sam swiveled her head around and looked at Bobby, “Brother? What do you mean by that?”  
She didn’t want to extract herself from Dean’s side, but took a step back to look him over. She blinked her eyes and wiped at her face, “Dean. It’s me. C’mon you recognize me, right?”  
Dean looked down at her with a hard stare, “Lady, I think you’re a bit confused.”  
Sam couldn’t believe this. She blinked in astonishment, looked around wildly and started to breathe quickly. “No. No. No. Dean, it’s me. It’s Sam. We grew up in each other’s’ back pockets. We, we grew up in this junkyard, in the Impala!” She took a step towards him in frustration, while shaking her head in defiance. Dean’s eyes were wide with alarm, but Sam continued on, “We’ve always been closer than any other and Dad” She took a deep breath, “Dad, was always worried about that. _Irayuh, Dean_?”  
Deans’ eyes grew impossibly wider, looking at her in amazement. He stepped closer and grabbed hold of her wrist, “What did you say?”  
“ _Ata, Irayuh._ ”  
“ _Irayuh_?” He looked down at her dirty hands and then her face again. Her hazel eyes looked wild, but Dean realized he would know those eyes anywhere. “Sam?” He grabbed at her shoulders, shaking her lightly, “Sam? _Irayuh? Irayuh Paroen_ ”  
Sam for her part gasped in relief, “ _Ata, il-osen irayuh._ ” Bobby was looking on in utter disbelief, but he’d heard that same type of language from the boys when they were little. They were always exceptionally close and most of the language had disappeared over the years, but Bobby distinctly remembered hearing _Ata_ quite often over the years.  
“I can’t believe this. Impossible.”  
Sam looked between her brother and Bobby, “what did you mean by brother, Bobby?”


	3. Chapter 3

It’d been over three weeks since Sam’s “arrival”. They’d discussed the situation at length, and although they weren’t really sure how she made it into their world, they’d accepted her for who she claimed to be, Samantha Winchester. Dean spent most of his afternoon out in the salvage yard since he had no clue how to approach the situation, which was honestly an improvement from the days he spent drinking himself into oblivion prior to her appearance. From what little Sam told them, it sounded as if they were better off not knowing the full story. Then again, Sam wasn’t exactly forthcoming about specific details, especially in regards to her departure from her own world. It didn’t make the following conversations that easy to navigate. Occasionally, Bobby would catch her looking down at her lap vacantly, like a string-less marionette, and he wondered why she looked so broken. Little by little, they were exposed to her world and it was frightening how closely their worlds reflected one another. They were able to piece together that somehow in her world, Sam was killed much in the same way as their own Sam in the year of 2007. Yet, in this world, Dean never sold his soul to raise his brother.  
“It wasn’t what he wanted, no matter how I felt,” was the only answer from Dean. He closed off after that, since it was still too close to his brothers’ death. Sam, for her part, looked at Dean and Bobby like they were ghosts. She was on the couch doing just that while Bobby was looking at some research for Garth,   
“How’d it happen?”  
Sam was startled from her daze, “excuse me?”  
“How’d I bite it? On your side of things.”  
She cleared her throat and averted her eyes, “I don’t know what you mean.” Bobby fixed her with a hard stare, “O’ course you do. You been lookin’ at me like you expect me to up and disappear. So tell me the truth. How’d it happen?”  
She swallowed thickly, “you uh, you were shot in the head.”  
He sat back, pulled off his cap, and wiped at his head, “That’s it? A damned bullet?” She watched him place the cap back on and looked at her sadly, “at least it was quick I suppose.”  
“We rushed you to the hospital, but…” She trailed off not really wanting to tell him he held on for a few more days and that it wasn’t as quick as he thought.  
“What about Dean?” He was watching her shrewdly.  
Her eyes were wide as she asked, “What about him?”  
“How’d he kick it? Don’t tell me different, I saw the way you fixed yourself to him. So, how’d it happen?” She spun the ring on her thumb a couple times before she took a deep breath, “Leviathans. Essentially they were turning the entire human population into cattle, and the guy who shot you was their leader… We had to use a special bone on him and it caused some sort of feedback. It exploded and, and Dean and Cas were gone.”  
“Cas?”  
“Castiel. He’s an Angel of Heaven. He was our friend.” She sighed sadly, “Personally, I think he was sweet on Dean. He used to tell Dean they shared a ‘profound bond’, whatever that meant”  
“You’re shitting me.”  
“Afraid not. He had his quirks and struggles, but he came through for us in the end and that’s what was important.”  
“An angel, really? like with wings an’ halo an’ all?”  
“Never saw the wings or halo, but you’d occasionally see the shadows when his wings stretched out. Don’t know if it would work now, but Dean might be able to call for him. I’m not sure if our Heavens are tied or what... since Dean didn’t bring me back, I, uh… I don’t know if Cas would even know who we were.”  
“You’ve been through quite the ordeal, haven’t you? Demons, Angels, Leviathans. Dare I ask what else you’ve tangled with?”  
She shrugged and averted her gaze down at the floor, “Stopped the Apocalypse.”  
He let out a bark of laughter that made her jump, “Now you’re just pulling my leg.”  
She looked down at her hands again, fiddling with a thick ring on her thumb.  
“You’re not kidding.” His eyes were wide with fear and she looked back up and kind of had a grimace on her face, “not really.”  
He wanted to press further but noticed Sam’s hands were shaking and her face was pale.  
“So, you mentioned we kicked it. What happened after that? Is that when you woke up here?”  
“No. I, I just kind of floated around and picked up hunts when I could. That happened nearly a year ago.”  
The porch door slammed open announcing Dean’s arrival, making both of them jump in surprise.  
“Why don’t you try hitting that a little harder there, Dean? Next time it might come off the hinges.”  
Dean just kind of grinned, “what’s the matter Bobby? Your ol’ heart can’t take it anymore?”  
Bobby’s eyes shifted to Sam and watched her unfold from her curled position on the couch. She kind of shifted on her feet, and then headed up the stairs without another word. They both heard a door closing upstairs.  
“What’s her problem?”  
“I think she’s been through more than she’s letting on.”  
“Well it’d be nice if she shared with the class. How else are we supposed to help her?”  
“Dean. She confirmed that you and I were killed on her side of things, but I think there’s more to it. She don’t look at things right.”  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“I dunno. She has this fragile look in her eyes, an’ I think it’s tied to whatever happened after we died in her world. I can’t shake that feeling that something’s just not right.”  
“We did the checks though. She’s human, right? She’s really Sam… just a different Sam, right?”  
“I don’t see how she couldn’t be. She knows too much about you and everything else, to really second guess who she is. I just get this gut feeling that something heavier is going on with her.”  
Dean leaned up against the desk and looked down at Bobby’s books, “Well, all right. How ‘bout we find an easy hunt then? See if she’d be more willing to talk one on one? She seemed interested in helping out with the phones. You got anything simple for us?”  
Bobby shifted some papers around and grabbed a couple roughed up newspaper clippings, “just so happens, I do. Should be easy enough, and it’s far enough away you could maybe get her to talk out on the road.”   
Dean looked over the articles and gave a little smirk, “Maine, really?”   
“I figure a good old salt and burn would do the trick.”  
“It looks like we’re headed for the east coast.”


End file.
